Over the last five years, I found that it is difficult to navigate a way for meaningful learning and growing, for a child who types.
This niche carving of a small, safe space consumes almost all my energy resources.
On one hand there is the child with unique expressive ability, different neurology, social construct, sensorimotor mapping, motivations, and, good comprehension. On the other hand are standard educational systems clocked to practical recipes.
M was tested by his schools- per requirements- through regular academic tests and special tests. He scored well.
The tests continue to give him a place in this world but they also show the smallness of our testing methods.
Because to start with, we still don't medically understand autism, what causes it, what it really is!
I wrote this in 2013 when M first started typing independently. That is, happily typing on an Ipad-keyboard, sitting a small distance way from me. It was a milestone in my world-view.
This poem somewhat reflects my conflict.
This poem somewhat reflects my conflict.
*****
the secret
of dark matter
are leaves green? is the universe big?
everyone dies, one way or the other?
happiness makes you smile?
songbirds sing? is
he intelligent?
crystal clear, but not apparent to some
For we judge from what we know we casually
invalidate the life of another by a
glance or sound not considering
the arduous path he walked to come here
For a sip of table water
survival is a daily struggle
When a body is held by autism a consistent signal-
I am here, I exist, I
understand, let me in..
Above the distracting drums of bodily chaos
is like a revelation on spiral stairs of proofs
but we mostly ask- can
we test?
it is we who are
palaced in boxes of thoughts and doings
we live by the
fine satin ribbons tying us up this is a
designer bow- two twists, 5 loops so pretty
no ugly even as our
sight deftly eludes the plain self-sculpturing truth well within
Our boxtrains chugging
chugging on meter gauges
setting busy systems and metrics for measuring and pouring
out
intelligence so we can
pack, box, label and ship it by ground
to a known place for other bored systems to unpack and assort
to a known place for other bored systems to unpack and assort
our intellect can
take only that much, anything more
is taxing to our neural nets which we tightened nook and neuron,
patient wrench in hand
school and school and school so
we know only
how to grade others to our inflexibilities Yes he may
Take one sip of life
no he cannot, go to quadrant B, table 3 parents can look
through a window for 3.57 minutes on alternate fridays
can we bottle birdsong? taste green from a spring leaf?
not seek meaningfulness because we’ll all die anyway?
yesterday you typed, you typed independently. fully.
met a metric for validation from set systems so my weak heart
betrays me; it has joy, it is calm I went to the same life-schools you see
I can’t come out of my box even after opening up box after
box after box for
every x of loosened ribbon knots, y new
ones appear and
loosening one somehow tightens another
anyway I lean back in my box because now I feel more assured
Of standing room for you at the table of the living I also feel awkward..
I don’t understand. Like someone after figuring out the secret
of dark matter
is waiting on a busy, dusty roadside nervous chalk in hand
to tell someone tell anyone
who stops - I can write the proof.. independently. fully.
who stops - I can write the proof.. independently. fully.
April 2013
